Jeff’s Coffee Shop Story: The Friend’s Problem Method

How Distance Creates Clarity in Business Decisions

Sometimes the Best Advice You Can Give Is the Advice You’d Give Someone Else

Jeff stared at the spreadsheet. The numbers blurred together. Three months of declining customer retention. Each week worse than the last.

His coffee shop had been his dream for five years. Now it felt like watching something he loved slowly fade away.

“You look terrible,” Henry said, sliding into the booth across from him.

Henry ran the bookstore next door. They’d become friends over early morning conversations before their shops opened.

“Customer retention is down again,” Jeff said. “I’ve tried everything. New menu items. Loyalty cards. Extended hours. Nothing’s working.” A couple of regulars had mentioned the coffee tasted different, but he’d shrugged it off as an off day.

Henry leaned back. “What would you tell me if this was my problem?”

Jeff blinked. “What?”

“Seriously. If I came to you with this exact situation. My bookstore. Same numbers. Same problem. What would you say?”

The Mental Shift That Changes Everything

Jeff hesitated. The question felt strange. But Henry waited patiently.

“Well,” Jeff started slowly, “I’d probably ask what changed three months ago.”

“Okay. What changed three months ago?”

Jeff thought back. “We switched coffee suppliers. Got a better price.”

“And if I told you that?” Henry prompted.

The realization hit Jeff immediately. “I’d tell you to switch back. Or at least test the old supplier again.”

Henry smiled. “So why haven’t you?”

Jeff rubbed his face. He knew why. Pride. The new supplier had been his decision. His cost-saving initiative. Admitting it might be wrong felt like admitting failure.

“Because when it’s your own problem,” Henry said gently, “emotions get in the way.”

The Power of Emotional Distance

That afternoon, Jeff tried something different. He sat in his office and imagined his cousin Stella owned the coffee shop. She lived across the country. Ran a similar business.

He wrote at the top of a blank page: Stella’s Coffee Shop Problem.

Then he listed the facts as if explaining them to someone who’d never seen the place:

• Customer retention dropped starting three months ago
• Happened right after supplier change
• New coffee costs less but might taste different
• Regular customers complaining more (but subtly)
• Owner emotionally attached to cost-saving decision

Looking at it written out like that, the answer seemed obvious. The coffee quality had changed. Customers noticed. They were voting with their feet.

Jeff felt something shift in his chest. The defensiveness melted away. This wasn’t about his ego anymore. It was just a business problem with a clear solution.

Testing the Theory

The next morning, Jeff called his old supplier. “I want to run a test,” he said. “One week. We’ll alternate suppliers by shift and batch so days of the week don’t skew results.”

He didn’t tell customers about the test. He and the team tracked return rates through the loyalty check-ins and shift logs, tagging each batch by supplier.

By Thursday, a pattern looked clear. Batches brewed with the old supplier were associated with more returning regulars, while other batches drew more one-time visitors.

The team tracked results by shift and day of week in the logs, but this was a quick internal test—not a formal causal analysis.

Hazel, one of his regulars, confirmed it without knowing. “Coffee tastes better today,” she said on an old-supplier batch. “Like it used to.” Her comment matched what the check-in data was already showing.

Jeff switched back completely the following week.

The Framework Emerges

“You were right,” Jeff told Henry two weeks later. “Customer retention is climbing back up.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Henry said. “You solved your own problem. You just needed distance from it.”

Jeff had started using the technique for other decisions too.

When his evening shift supervisor position opened up, instead of agonizing over internal candidates, he imagined advising his friend Grayson who ran a restaurant downtown.

The choice became clear. Promote the person who already informally led the team, not the one with the most seniority.

When a competitor opened across the street, instead of panicking, he asked himself what he’d tell Stella if she called with the same situation.

The answer: Focus on what you do differently. Don’t try to match them. Emphasize your strengths.

The Neuroscience Behind the Method

Research shows that taking a more distant, “advisor” perspective (self-distancing) often improves judgment by nudging us toward big-picture, abstract thinking. Psychologists describe this as increasing psychological distance.

As Ethan Kross and others note, adopting a distanced perspective helps people step back from immediate emotions and see the broader context—so guidance feels clearer and more balanced.

Related findings show two complementary points: people frequently reason more wisely about others’ dilemmas than their own; and in experiments, peer advice can measurably improve the quality of financial choices.

Neuroscience adds why this helps:

Distancing/reappraisal tends to recruit cognitive control regions in the prefrontal cortex while dampening self-referential and emotional reactivity (e.g., reduced medial-PFC engagement and modulation of the amygdala). Net effect: it’s easier to think clearly.

Making It Systematic

Jeff developed a simple system he now teaches other business owners:

Step 1: Name Your “Friend”

Pick someone real but distant. A cousin in another city. A college roommate. Someone you care about but don’t see daily.

Step 2: Write Their Problem

Put their name at the top of a page. Write the problem as if explaining it to a third party. Use facts, not feelings.

Step 3: Give Your Advice

What would you tell them? Write it down. Be specific. Include action steps.

Step 4: Find the Resistance

Notice where you resist your own advice. That’s where emotion is clouding judgment.

Step 5: Test Small

Don’t overhaul everything. Test your advice in a small way first. Gather data. Adjust.

When Distance Isn’t Enough

Six months later, Jeff faced a bigger challenge. His lease was up. The landlord wanted to double the rent. Stay and potentially lose money? Move and potentially lose customers?

He tried the friend technique. Imagined Stella calling with the same problem. But this time, the answer wasn’t clear. Even with distance, the decision felt impossible.

“Some problems need more than just emotional distance,” Henry said when Jeff explained. “Sometimes you need actual outside perspective.”

Jeff realized Henry was right. The friend technique worked best for problems where emotion was the main barrier. For genuinely complex decisions, real advisors mattered too.

He assembled a small group. Henry. His accountant. Two other local business owners. Presented the situation as neutrally as possible.

Their consensus: Negotiate first, but prepare to move. The market had shifted. The location wasn’t worth double the rent.

Jeff negotiated a moderate increase and stayed. The landlord hadn’t expected him to actually consider leaving. The emotional distance had given him genuine negotiating power.

The Ripple Effects

The technique spread through Jeff’s business in unexpected ways. His shift supervisors started using it for scheduling conflicts. Instead of getting frustrated with requests, they’d ask, “What would I advise another supervisor to do?”

His barista Nora used it for difficult customer interactions. “I imagine my friend works here,” she said. “What would I tell her about handling this situation? It keeps me from taking things personally.”

Even customer service improved. When regulars complained, staff imagined a friend’s business receiving the same feedback. The defensiveness disappeared. Solutions emerged.

The Deeper Truth

One morning, a year after that first conversation with Henry, Jeff realized something profound. The friend technique wasn’t really about problem-solving. It was about compassion.

When we imagine a friend’s problem, we naturally want to help. We become supportive instead of critical. Kind instead of harsh.

“We’re often our own worst enemy,” Henry said when Jeff shared this insight. “We judge ourselves harshly. But we’d never treat a friend that way.”

The technique forced self-compassion. It made Jeff treat his business — and himself — with the same kindness he’d show others.

Building Your Own Practice

Jeff now keeps a notebook labeled “Friend Problems.” Every significant decision goes through the filter. The practice has become automatic.

But he’s learned nuances too:

Choose the Right “Friend”

Someone too similar triggers the same emotions. Someone too different makes it hard to relate. Find the middle ground.

Write It Out

Mental exercises drift. Written ones force clarity. The act of writing itself creates distance.

Include Context

Don’t oversimplify. Include relevant background. But stick to facts, not interpretations.

Time It Right

Don’t use the technique in crisis mode. Wait until initial panic subsides. But don’t wait too long either. Fresh problems are easier to reframe.

Accept the Limits

Some decisions need emotional investment. Choosing company values. Setting vision. Deciding what matters most. Distance helps with execution, not always with direction.

The Rule of Thumb

Jeff distilled it to one sentence he shares with every struggling business owner: “When you’re stuck, write the problem as if a good friend far away called asking for your advice.”

The distance cue is a heuristic—far enough that you can’t pop in, so you’re forced to rely on facts, not feelings.

“Good friend” matters too: you care enough to be honest and practical, but you’re not so entangled that your emotions take over.

The Worksheet Approach

Jeff created a simple worksheet he gives to other business owners:

Friend’s Business Problem Worksheet

Line 1:

Friend’s name and business type

Line 2:

The problem in one sentence

Lines 3-7:

Just the facts (what happened, when, measurable impacts)

Lines 8-10:

What advice would you give?

Line 11:

What would you tell them to try first?

Line 12:

Where do you resist following this advice yourself?

“Fill this out whenever you’re stuck,” he tells them. “The answer usually appears by line ten.”

The Unexpected Benefit

The biggest surprise wasn’t better decision-making. It was reduced stress. Jeff slept better. Worried less. Enjoyed work more.

“When every problem becomes a friend’s problem first,” he explained to a new business owner, “you stop carrying them so heavily. They become puzzles to solve, not weights to bear.”

His revenue grew steadily. Not from any single dramatic decision. But from dozens of clear-headed choices. Each one made with the distance to see what actually mattered.

Customer retention stabilized above pre-crisis levels. Staff turnover dropped. Even competitor pressure felt manageable.

“You seem different,” Hazel told him one morning. “More relaxed. Like you’re enjoying this again.”

Jeff smiled. She was right. He was enjoying it. Because he’d learned to step outside the emotional storm of ownership. To see his business like a trusted advisor would.

With kindness. With clarity. With the distance to actually help.

Your Turn to Try

The next time you face a business problem that feels overwhelming, stop. Take a breath. Grab a piece of paper.

Write down the name of a friend who lives far away. Someone you’d genuinely want to help.

Now write: “[Friend’s name] just called. They have this problem with their business…”

Tell their story. Give them advice. Notice where you resist following it yourself.

That resistance? That’s where emotion is clouding your judgment.

Push through it. Test your own advice. Start small. See what happens.

You might discover what Jeff did. The best consultant for your business has been there all along.

It’s you. Just with a little distance.

Lesson Insights

The Friend’s Problem Method works because it bypasses our emotional defenses.

When we’re personally invested, our ego, fear, and attachment cloud judgment. But when we imagine advising someone else, we naturally adopt a clearer, more objective stance.

This isn’t about detachment — it’s about achieving the right amount of emotional distance to think strategically while still caring about outcomes.

Best Practices for Implementation

Create Physical Separation

Actually write the problem as if drafting an email to yourself. The physical act of writing creates psychological distance.

Use Consistent “Friends”

Develop 2-3 go-to personas for different types of problems. Business strategy might be one friend, people problems another.

Time-Box the Exercise

Spend 15 minutes maximum on initial analysis. Overthinking defeats the purpose of quick clarity.

Document Patterns

Keep a log of problems and solutions. You’ll notice recurring themes and get better at rapid reframing.

Share the Method

Teach your team this technique. When everyone uses it, emotional reactions decrease across the organization.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: What if I genuinely don’t know what advice I’d give a friend?

A: This usually means you need more information. List what additional facts you’d need to advise a friend. Then go gather that data.

Q: Should I use real people or fictional friends?

A: Real people work better. Your brain needs to believe the scenario. Pick someone you actually know but don’t work with.

Q: How is this different from just “stepping back” from a problem?

A: “Stepping back” is vague. This method gives you a specific mental framework and physical process to achieve distance.

Q: Can this replace actual advisors or consultants?

A: No. This handles emotionally-charged decisions. Complex strategic issues still benefit from genuine outside expertise.

Q: How quickly should I act on the advice I’d give a friend?

A: Test first, commit second. Small experiments validate whether your advice actually works before major changes.

Quick Reference Checklist

☐ Problem identified and causing emotional stress

☐ “Friend” selected (real person, geographically distant)

☐ Problem rewritten as friend’s situation

☐ Just facts included, emotions removed

☐ Advice drafted as if responding to friend

☐ Resistance points identified

☐ Small test designed

☐ Results measured

☐ Approach adjusted based on data

☐ Method documented for future use

Remember: You already know more solutions than you realize. You just need enough distance to see them clearly.